Things happen in our lives that make us who we are. Some of those things are bad, some good, some happy...and some sad. I think that when you become a mother, you make the decision to leave all of the drama, fighting, and bs behind. When I was younger, if someone said something to me to insult me, I wouldn't know how to express my anger in any other way, than fighting. I always had to be the toughest, the baddest. When I became a mom, I learned that you can't be like that, you have to choose your battles, and handle them in a way that shows your child that getting angry and lashing out, isn't the way to handle a problem. Perfect example: My son came home from school the other day in a VERY bad mood. After asking him time and time again what he had gotten in trouble in school for, he refused to tell me. We came into the house and he had all of his toys piled on top of one whole corner of the couch. I asked him nicely to move his toys so that people in the house could have a place to sit. Without even a hesitation he yelled "These are the toys that I am taking to my Daddy's house when I go and i am NOT moving them." (Mind you, this happened on a Tuesday...I was not about to let his toys sit there until he left on Friday)
So I asked him again, "Please move your toys off of the couch. You don't have to put them away, but you have to move them so people can sit down. You can even put them right there in the corner if you want." As I said this, I saw the anger and frustration building up in his face. "I'm not moving my toys! I'm taking those to my Daddy's!" he screamed. So i took the toys off of the couch and put them on the floor. Without a seconds thought, he picked them all back up and put them right back on the couch. Without saying a word, I put them back on the floor and told him again that they were not allowed on the couch. With complete disregard for what I had said multiple times, he put them back on the couch. So, without thinking, I picked them all up, opened up the cellar door, and threw them down the stairs into his playroom. Standing there looking at me in disbelief and complete fury, he ran down the stairs and brought them all back up one by one. I watched him do this for about five minutes.
When he had gotten all of his toys upstairs, he stood there screaming at me. "I hate you! This is why I want to go live with my dad! You're the worst mom I've ever had!" Oh the list goes on! Instead of yelling back at him, I let him get out what he had to say. When he had finished yelling, I calmly told him that he was not allowed to watch TV in the living room, due to the temper tantrum that he had just had, and for the way that he had talked to me. This made him even more mad. So I told him, "I'm not saying that you can't watch tv at all, I'm saying that you need to take some time to yourself and think about what you just said and did. You can go up to your room, turn the tv on, and sit on the bed and think about what you just did, and how you shouldn't talk to me this way." Well, he thought about what I had said for a minute, and I guess he came to the conclusion that, rather than stand there and argue with me, he should probably go up to his room and cool off, because he turned around, walked up the stairs, into his room, and closed the door.
To me, this was a victory, seeing as how every day for the last couple months, it was the same thing over and over. He told me every day how much he hated me and how he wished he lived with his dad so that he wouldn't have to listen to me anymore. About a half an hour later, he came down the stairs. I was sitting on the couch and he just stood there and looked at me for about a minute. Finally I asked him what he was doing, and his answer was..."I'm sorry. Can I please watch tv down here with you?" Before I said yes, I had him come sit next to me. I explained that when he gets mad, he needs to think before he says things. I asked him how he would feel if I told him that I hated him, or how he would feel if I told him that I wanted to go live somewhere else?. He thought about it for a minute before saying "I would be sad and hurt." I said, "do you like to see Mommy sad? Do you like to hurt my feelings?" He looked down at his feet and quietly said "No."
I said to him, "Please just think about what you say before you say it. Mommy does a lot for you, and when you say mean things, you hurt my feelings." Without saying a word, he hugged me and gave me a kiss and said, "I'm sorry Mom. I love you." I knew then that he had actually listened to me. When you have kids, it's not about who wins an argument. It's about reason. No one wins when both people just sit there and yell. Some people might say that I'm to hard on my son, which is fine, because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but i disagree. I have never treated my son like a baby. I never baby talked him, I never treated him like he was incapable of doing things for himself, I always talked to him like he was my equal. When he tells me that he hates me, I remind myself that that's okay right now. It sounds horrible, but I'm not here to be my sons friend right now, I'm here to be Mom. I'm here to make sure he knows right from wrong. I'm here to make sure he knows respect, and love, discipline, stability, and responsibility. Someone has to be the bad guy. When he's older and has kids of his own..then I'll be his friend. For now, I'm the enforcer, the voice of reason, and the person who is making him into who he going to be when he gets older.
It's funny how, when we have children, we think that we are going to teach them everything....but in reality, our children teach us more than we could ever imagine. I have learned self control, patience, unconditional love, pride, respect, negotiation, hurt, and a million other things from my son. The things that come out of his mouth sometimes, are things that I can picture an adult saying. It's unbelievable to me, that sometimes, when I don't have the answer, my six year old child is the voice of reason. My son will never stop amazing me, and I could never thank him enough, for making me into the person that I am today. He changed my life...for the better.
So I asked him again, "Please move your toys off of the couch. You don't have to put them away, but you have to move them so people can sit down. You can even put them right there in the corner if you want." As I said this, I saw the anger and frustration building up in his face. "I'm not moving my toys! I'm taking those to my Daddy's!" he screamed. So i took the toys off of the couch and put them on the floor. Without a seconds thought, he picked them all back up and put them right back on the couch. Without saying a word, I put them back on the floor and told him again that they were not allowed on the couch. With complete disregard for what I had said multiple times, he put them back on the couch. So, without thinking, I picked them all up, opened up the cellar door, and threw them down the stairs into his playroom. Standing there looking at me in disbelief and complete fury, he ran down the stairs and brought them all back up one by one. I watched him do this for about five minutes.
When he had gotten all of his toys upstairs, he stood there screaming at me. "I hate you! This is why I want to go live with my dad! You're the worst mom I've ever had!" Oh the list goes on! Instead of yelling back at him, I let him get out what he had to say. When he had finished yelling, I calmly told him that he was not allowed to watch TV in the living room, due to the temper tantrum that he had just had, and for the way that he had talked to me. This made him even more mad. So I told him, "I'm not saying that you can't watch tv at all, I'm saying that you need to take some time to yourself and think about what you just said and did. You can go up to your room, turn the tv on, and sit on the bed and think about what you just did, and how you shouldn't talk to me this way." Well, he thought about what I had said for a minute, and I guess he came to the conclusion that, rather than stand there and argue with me, he should probably go up to his room and cool off, because he turned around, walked up the stairs, into his room, and closed the door.
To me, this was a victory, seeing as how every day for the last couple months, it was the same thing over and over. He told me every day how much he hated me and how he wished he lived with his dad so that he wouldn't have to listen to me anymore. About a half an hour later, he came down the stairs. I was sitting on the couch and he just stood there and looked at me for about a minute. Finally I asked him what he was doing, and his answer was..."I'm sorry. Can I please watch tv down here with you?" Before I said yes, I had him come sit next to me. I explained that when he gets mad, he needs to think before he says things. I asked him how he would feel if I told him that I hated him, or how he would feel if I told him that I wanted to go live somewhere else?. He thought about it for a minute before saying "I would be sad and hurt." I said, "do you like to see Mommy sad? Do you like to hurt my feelings?" He looked down at his feet and quietly said "No."
I said to him, "Please just think about what you say before you say it. Mommy does a lot for you, and when you say mean things, you hurt my feelings." Without saying a word, he hugged me and gave me a kiss and said, "I'm sorry Mom. I love you." I knew then that he had actually listened to me. When you have kids, it's not about who wins an argument. It's about reason. No one wins when both people just sit there and yell. Some people might say that I'm to hard on my son, which is fine, because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but i disagree. I have never treated my son like a baby. I never baby talked him, I never treated him like he was incapable of doing things for himself, I always talked to him like he was my equal. When he tells me that he hates me, I remind myself that that's okay right now. It sounds horrible, but I'm not here to be my sons friend right now, I'm here to be Mom. I'm here to make sure he knows right from wrong. I'm here to make sure he knows respect, and love, discipline, stability, and responsibility. Someone has to be the bad guy. When he's older and has kids of his own..then I'll be his friend. For now, I'm the enforcer, the voice of reason, and the person who is making him into who he going to be when he gets older.
It's funny how, when we have children, we think that we are going to teach them everything....but in reality, our children teach us more than we could ever imagine. I have learned self control, patience, unconditional love, pride, respect, negotiation, hurt, and a million other things from my son. The things that come out of his mouth sometimes, are things that I can picture an adult saying. It's unbelievable to me, that sometimes, when I don't have the answer, my six year old child is the voice of reason. My son will never stop amazing me, and I could never thank him enough, for making me into the person that I am today. He changed my life...for the better.
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