It Finally Happened!!

     So after months and months of trying, and being disappointed, and trying some more, and writing about it, and crying about it, and so on and so forth....I am happy to let everyone know, that we, are going to be welcoming an amazing new baby boy into the world at the end of November of this year!! Time has flown by, and I feel sometimes like this is all so surreal, and that maybe I'm in this dream world and when i wake up all of this will be gone....but i'm pretty sure I'm wrong in that thought process, for the simple fact that: pregnancy has made me an emotional basket case and, at times, a raging lunatic. I cry at the drop of a pin, I'm angry at the littlest things, I'm needy and over-bearing, and, I'm sure, at times, I'm just straight-up unbearable. My first son is going to be seven in September, so being pregnant was something I had either, A. Forgotten, or B. Had such a shitty one the first time that i purposely forgot how much it sucks! 
     I had finally gotten back to my pre-baby weight...yes...it took me the better part of six years. I was finally getting comfortable in my own skin again, and i was enjoying jeans in the low single digits, that actually fit me comfortably! Now?? Well, NOW, the thought of jeans makes me want to cry, I can get them up my legs, which isn't so depressing...but once i reach my ever expanding butt, I realize that when i purchased a new wardrobe, I should have invested in the material that looks like jeans but has some super stretch strength to them (even though i thought they were the most God awful things when they came out). My feet are not yet swollen..but after a night at work running around and making food, when i get a chance to sit, I feel as though I would be happier just slicing them off with a hack saw. My boobs?? Well, I'd probably enjoy them more if I didn't feel like my chest was caving in from excess weight when I lie on my back...plus the fact that I know what they are going to look like about six months, to a year, after giving birth doesn't appeal to me. And my stomach?! Oh God MY STOMACH!! What IS this dark line running down my middle, like I went to see some crooked surgeon in Brazil?? And my bellybutton, ohhhh dear! My once cute, tiny, nicely pierced inny bellybutton, now has its own zip code, and looks as though if you press it just right, the baby will pop out with a welcome sign. My fingers, hmmm, my once skinny, nicely bling-ed up fingers, now hold my rings hostage, and won't even surrender them to a nice lather in butter! I get my nails done bi-weekly in hopes of making my new hand sausages look a little less unruly. I get dizzy putting my socks and shoes on because my new addition in the front compresses my air intake and makes me see stars if i bend over for to long. But hey, it's all worth it right?? I get an amazing new package that me and someone else made in a couple of months.
     Sleep? What's that?? I don't think I've had a full nights sleep in the last four months!  My poor fiance, every time he falls asleep, I'm waking him up when i get out of bed to use the bathroom, or complaining that some extremity attached to me, fell asleep and I'm going to die if he doesn't fix it, or that i have a pain, or an itch, or a worry....poor guy. I give him all of the credit in the world though...he has been by my side through all of it. He has been to every single doctors appointment, every health visit that I've had to go to, every complaint, every bad day, good day, crazy day. I fully admit that at times i'm way more than unbearable, and to say the least, I'm down-right intolerable, but I love my family with everything I have and being moody and agitated and upset is something that i try to control, but some days, i just can't help. I'm insecure, imaginative, and all these other things now that my whole life is about to change again...this is something i knew i was getting into when we decided to have another baby, but i forget just how uncontrollable these feelings and emotions are sometimes and they get the better of me.  Still, he is supportive in every way, and is so excited to have a new baby to be ours. <3 My son is excited too, he asks me everyday how Collin (the name for our new little man) is. He asks me all the time when he will be here, and he tells every single person that we see that he's going to be a big brother. He kisses my belly and hugs me all the time. He is the most amazing little boy ever, and I would never pick any other child to call mine. I am going to have the two best little boys in the world <3
     

The mother my son deserves...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with hopes. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - Corinthians 13:4
My son is six and a half years old, and he's my whole world. I'll be the first to admit that motherhood isn't easy, and I'm far from a perfect mom. Some days my temper is short, some days I'm more irritable than others, some days all I can manage to do is yell, and sometimes I'm unfair to him. I haven't always been able to give him everything he's wanted, but I've worked hard to give him everything I can. My son has his days when he's not the perfect child, but does anyone?? Overall, I think it's safe to say that I ended up with an amazing, smart, well mannered, absolutely lovable son.
Sometimes I feel like I need to step back and think about things before I react. Subconsciously, I know that what I do is wrong. Sometimes when my son is throwing a fit, or hitting and yelling at me...I don't see a six year old....I see his father. I know that it's horrible, and I know that it's not fair, but something in my brain snaps, and i just see his dad. Maybe I'm messed up, maybe I'm the only mother that this happens to...but its not something I can help, and it's something I'm working on, now, before I get mad and overreact, I stop for a minute and think, this is a six year old child, he didn't choose who his father was, he didn't ask to be brought into an angry, resentful environment, he doesn't understand why either of us feels the way that we do...he's just a kid, innocent and virgin to the knowledge of betrayal, heartache and disloyalty.
My son is not his father, he is my whole world, someone who depends on, and loves me, no matter what. He loves me for my flaws, my quirks, my bad days, my good days, my sick days, and my funny days. To him, I will always be "Mom." I will always make a boo boo better, I will always be the one to get up and get him a drink when he's perfectly capable of doing it himself, I will always pick out his clothes, and help him tie his shoes, no matter how many times he says he hates me, or how much he yells and screams when he's mad at me. If there's anything that u learned from being a parent, it's that you have to learn from your past, forget or accept it, and move on. You can't hold things that happened to you, against your children, they don't make your decisions...you do.
My son deserves the best of everything, and sometimes I feel like he got pot luck...I feel like he deserves a better mother, that won't yell, that can give him everything, that has more patience than me. He's an amazing child, and he deserves that. But then I stop and think...I'm human. Other mothers go through the same things, it's part of life, it's part of changing from an everyday person, into "mom." It is the most difficult, exhausting, rewarding, emotional transition you will ever make...but every single second...is worth all of it. <3

Ahhh way back when....

          So when I finally came to terms with the fact that I was pregnant, I also came to the realization that I was going to gain weight...it was inevitable. But, as my ignorant young mind perceived it...I would pop out my baby and be back to my skinny, tiny little self in no time....ohhhh to be young and naive! All throughout my pregnancy, I ate what I wanted, laid in bed like a beached whale, and got nice and plump. I didn't have a single stretch mark, just a rather large, watermelon shaped bump growing out of my front. I watched TV show after TV show while laying there all throughout summer wallowing in self pity (my son was born in September, so I was nice and big and fat throughout the hot season). On TV, all these models and actresses would have children, and go back to their skinny selves right after having a baby, I figured, hey, if they can do it, it must be easy!
Well, let me just say...boyyyyy was I wrong! I gained 82 pounds throughout pregnancy. I weighed 105 when I got pregnant, and I was a lovely 187 when my son came into this world. I did all the superstitious precautions that women do when they're pregnant, like rub coca butter on my belly every morning noon and night so I didn't get stretch marks, keep my feet elevated so they don't swell, practice breathing so that birthing would be easier...all that good stuff.
Let me just say, all of that stuff...IS CRAP! As soon as my son came out, all these stretch marks that weren't there before, appeared! Maybe I altered my mind during pregnancy so I thought they weren't there, maybe I was to fat to see over my huge lump, maybe god decided to just surprise me after 9 long months of pregnancy with a, "Hey! Don't forget that you gained 82 pounds while pregnant! Maybe next time you'll exercise and watch what you eat fatty!" either way, I was devastated, how was I ever going to wear shorts? Or a bathing suit? Or a cute little dress?! I was only 18!! I HAD to be able to dress cute again someday...I mean, yeah, I'm a mom...but I'm not dead!!!
After I got over the stretch marks and accepted the fact that they weren't going away, I started to obsess over my jiggly belly and my water-balloon looking boobs....where the heck did my six pack go? And why does it look like someone filled a balloon halfway with water and stapled it to my chest?!? Where is the voluptuous bosom I gained while being pregnant??? What's happening to me?! I obsessed for years and years about all of this...and I've come to one conclusion....it is what it is. I don't make a million dollars for surgery, I don't have an editor to take my picture and airbrush my photo, and I'm not spoiled enough to have a personal trainer....I am human. It happens to everyone.
Our bodies go through amazing changes and to put it bluntly....shit happens. After all the cramping, and stretching, and bloating, and swelling, and aching, and weight and all that good stuff....the end result is an amazing, beautiful, lovable life, that you grew inside of you. You are the reason that this little person, who is going to grow up and be someone someday, and who is going to love you forever....is here. In the end, it's all worth it. We will never be the same as we were before having kids...it's a fact of life. We are our own toughest critics, what we think is gross, the man who loves us thinks is sexy. What we find aggravating, he finds adorable. What we find depressing, he loves about you....we might not realize it...but all of us moms, are perfect, even if it's just for one reason...and that reason is...simply that, we are moms. :)

Instruction Manual...What's that?!

          When we decide to have babies, we have this perfect picture in our head of how it's going to happen, how we're going to raise them, and how they're going to be when they grow up..Well, let me just say, boyyyyy was I wrong! I love my son more than anything in this world, but Motherhood is NOTHING like I expected it to be. My son was supposed to come with an instruction manual: when to eat, when to change him, how to change him, when he's supposed to burp, how he's supposed to sleep, when he stops taking naps, how to make him crawl, walk, burp...blah blah blah.....wasn't he?! haha, but seriously, when I was pregnant I bought book after book of "how to be the perfect mom" and "how to raise the perfect child" and a million others. 
          Half of these books told me to have my son burp after every couple ounces of formula, the others told me to let him drink the whole bottle then give him a nice big burp at the end. One third of the books told me to have him sleep on his side, in case he threw up, the second third told me to have him sleep on his back so he wouldn't roll over and suffocate, the last third told me to have him sleep on his stomach with his head to the side. One half of the books told me to not hold him to much, because he would grow up to be a spoiled baby, the other half told me to carry him as much as I could because letting him lay down or sit in a baby swing all day would give him a flat head. Half the books said hold his hands up and let him walk, the other half said let him do it on his own so he doesn't mess up his legs.....UGH!!!
          So, my conclusion??...I did whatever I thought was right! I did what seemed good and suitable for MY SON. I burped him after every four ounces. I wedged him on his side between two small pillows when he went to sleep, so he didn't end up on his back or his stomach. I gave him a Binky, yes, the evil word to most parents! I did it!...And you know what? When HE got sick of it, he decided on his own that he didn't want it anymore. I gave him belly time every day so he could gain the ambition to want to get up and crawl around...and guess what? He did it! I carried him or put him in his doorway bouncy, this way he didn't get "to much carry time", but he didn't get a flat head either. He's  now six years old, and so far, little damage has been done to him. I think I've managed to raise a pretty outstanding, admirable son, if I do say so myself :)
          My point is, there ARE NO INSTRUCTION MANUALS on being a parent and raising a baby. It's trial and error. I believe that Mother's are born with the parenting gene embedded somewhere inside of their body, and when they have children...they just know. I know that, what worked for my son, might not have worked for someone else's child. I know that every kid is different, and I know that there is theory upon theory upon theory, about how to be a good parent, and what you should and shouldn't do with your kids, and what's good and what's bad, and this and this......but I believe that when you have a child of your own...you just know. I knew when he was hungry. I knew when he needed to be changed. I knew when he was tired. I knew when he was fussy....I knew my son, even when he couldn't talk. I don't think that there is one person out there, that can tell you how to raise your child...I think that it is something that is in you, and only you. You know who your child is, and what he/she needs. ....your head, and your heart...are your own, self-made, never duplicated...instruction manual.

Perfectly Imperfect...

          When we're little girls, we have this specific, detailed, intricate plan of how our lives are going to be, from what type people we want to be friends with in high school, to who we want to marry, and what we want our wedding dress to look like...it's inevitable, every girl does it (just not every one admits it). We look at magazines and wish we could look like anyone but ourselves, we want the best jobs so we can have the best things, we want the nicest car when we finally get our licenses, we want the prettiest prom dress, the most handsome boyfriend, and the best friends....but then we grow up, and realize that life doesn't really work like that. Life, and all it's imperfections...actually add up to be absolutely perfect for us.
          I had it all planned out when I was little. I was going to get the best grades in school, I was going to have a million friends, I was going to get a good job and buy a nice car that was better than all my friends, I was gonna look like a princess for prom, I was going to go out with the school jock, then I was going to graduate high school, go to college, get an awesome degree, marry my high school sweetheart, own a nice big house, and live happily ever after. It was that simple for me. That was my plan, nothing more, nothing less....then I got older and my Pretty Woman complex ended and reality set in.
          I got to high school and was put into all honors classes. I worked my butt off to keep my grades up. I had a lot of friends, but they weren't the popular crowd...by that point in my life, I had realized that I didn't want to be popular for the same reasons as the other girls did...I didn't think my reputation was worth the popularity, so i was friends with all the odd ones out...we were like the land of misfit toys, but I was okay with that, because they were real friends. I finally got a job when I was old enough to get my work permit, and it was far from a "high paying profession"...I was a cashier at Price Chopper. haha. But, my job paid my bills, and eventually, I got a car...No, it wasn't a fancy BMW or a Bentley....I got a dodge neon! But it got me from point A to point B so who was I to complain? 
          Junior year rolled around, and I got asked to prom by one of my best friends. As much as I wanted to Cinderella Princess dress, I settled for a cute pink dress from TJ Maxx...far from my fairytale. But...I rocked it anyways and made it into something good. I was with my sons father all through high school, so my dream of dating the jock were long lost. I got pregnant my senior year, 3 months before my 18th birthday, and dropped out, so needless to say, I didn't graduate top in my class and go to some exquisite college. Instead, I got my GED while I was pregnant, and went to Dental Assisting School when my son was first born. I graduated from there top in my class, and got a job in an Orthodontic Office. I didn't get a big fancy house, and I sure didn't get married! But I got a nice apartment, and a newer car than I had had, and I was working at a job that was a career, not something I hated doing, but dealt with to make money.
          I guess I came to learn, that the things that I have, may not be perfect to someone else, but they are perfect to, and for, me. I live in a nice apartment, I have a degree in something I like doing, I have a beautiful son that I love more than anything in this world, I have a good relationship with my family, I have a fiance who I love with all my heart, and I'm finally happy with myself. I might not have gotten my perfect childhood fairytale...but I got my grown-up, real life happy story. My life turned out to be, perfectly imperfect...and I'm okay with that. <3

Appreciate what deserves Appreciation.

          I'm at the point in my life, where I'm realizing what is important, and what's not. I've found the people that are going to be there forever, and I've let go of the ones that don't deserve to be. I've decided what direction I want my future to go, and where I want to be in a couple of years. One thing that I'm still learning, is how to show the people that I have in my life, how much I actually care for them, and how much I appreciate them. Sometimes I do things, without thinking of the repercussions. Sometimes I do things, without thinking of how they will affect someone. Sometimes I unintentionally hurt someone without meaning to, because I don't think before I do things. I guess I could consider myself a spiteful person, which is a horrible quality to have....I'm happy with my life and where it's going...but part of me wishes unhappiness and nothing good, to people that have done me wrong. This part of me...is what gets me in trouble.
          Curiosity often gets the best of me, and I'll sneak a peak at someone's facebook, to see if they're doing well, or if they're as unhappy as I hope they are. It's a horrible thing to say, and an even more horrible thing to do. So last night, while searching for new friends to request on my facebook to connect to Mommy blog, i saw one of my ex's names on the list. I saw that his picture was of him and a girl that I went to school with...so I clicked....in my head I said the reason that I clicked on his name, was to request her as a friend, because she has a daughter....but in all actuality, I think I wanted to see him unhappy...I wanted to see him miserable. My fiance was sitting right next to me....why i did it, I don't know. I have No feelings for this guy, and I don't want or feel the need to talk to him...I just want to see him unhappy. I know it's not right, and I know that I shouldn't have done it, but my curiosity got the better of me.
          If it was something I could take back, I would. I hurt someone who means much more to me, than finding out if one of my ex's is unhappy. Out of respect for my other half, I shouldn't have done it. I should have known that if he knew, it would hurt him. I should have put myself in his place, and thought about how I would have felt if he had done that to me. I betrayed his trust, over something stupid. 
          Everyday he goes out of his way to show me how much he loves and cares for me, from telling me that I'm beautiful when I first wake up in the morning, to buying me a random flower when he runs to the gas station at 3 in the morning. He takes care of my son like he's his own, he loves my family despite how crazy we all are, he makes me smile just because, and he loves me for me. He is everything anyone could ever ask for and more. I have to learn to appreciate him for who he is and for everything that he does for me. I need to stop and think before I do things, and I need to never take him for granted. There are a million girls that would line up for him, if I ruined what we had. He is my entire world. He's what makes me heart beat and my stomach flutter. It's time that I let go of the past and let it be. How anyone is doing, is none of my business...I shouldn't care. I have my present, and my future, right here with me..and i intend on keeping it that way by showing everyday, how grateful I am to have him.

Family First.

          Things happen in life, and people come and go. I've come to the conclusion, that as mad as our family makes us sometimes, they will, undoubtedly, always be there for us when no one else is. I'm 24 years old, and I will proudly admit, that my father is my best friend. My Dad has always been there for me, even when I didn't deserve it. He would give me his last penny, if he knew that it would make me okay. When I sit back and think about it, I feel like a horrible person. Sometimes I've taken him for granted, or expected something just because I was used to him doing things for me. My Dad is an admirable man. For as long as I can remember, my dad has been a working man. When I was little, he worked endless hours, but still somehow managed to take me to all of my sports practices, games, and tournaments. He still found time in his day to play basketball with me in the driveway, in between cooking dinner and helping my sister with her homework.
          He was always the disciplinarian, the mentor, the good guy...everything. My father was the one who took myself and my sister bra shopping, he took us to pick out our prom dresses, he listened to our relationship problems, he sat and did our homework with us for hours, he cooked dinner every night, no matter how late he got home from work...he did everything a dad should do...and more. My Mother suffers from anxiety and depression, so she missed out on a lot of me and my sister growing up...but not my dad, he never missed a beat. My Dad is the ideal family man. He supported my mother, no matter what she wanted to do: if she didn't want to work, he would pick up extra hours at work, when she wanted to run a daycare, he transformed our house into a kid ready zone, when she hated our small house, he put a full dormer on the upstairs, with a double vanity sink and a deep bath tub, when she got sick of the downstairs bathroom, he gutted the whole thing and built it from the beams up, with a beautiful tub, brass fixtures, and a tile floor. When she didn't have anywhere to sit outside because the sun  made her skin break out, he built a farmers porch across the front of the house so she could sit outside and enjoy the summer.
          My dad took so much time making me, my sister, and my mom happy, I think he lost track of himself. He deserved so much, but he never asked for anything, from anyone. I was far from an angel child, but my dad stood by my side no matter what, and always supported my decisions, and worked through my mistakes with me. He always had faith that I could do whatever I wanted. I was attached to my dads hip growing up, everywhere he went...I went. Sometimes me and him took day trips just to get away from life. We would go fishing for an entire day, or take a drive to the other side of the state just to get out. When I had my son and lived a state away, I called my dad every night to say goodnight, and every morning to tell him to have a good day. I wasn't ashamed. Most people my age don't want anything to do with their parents...me? I love mine. I talk to mine every day, I see my dad every single day, and I see my mom a couple of times a month.
          I look back now and I realize that everything my father ever did, was in mine and my sisters best interest. He is a good person, heart and soul. I am forever grateful for everything my dad has done for me, and nothing I could ever do, could amount to the things that he's given or done for me. My Dad will be my best friend for my whole life. He was there for me when no one else was, and sometimes I don't take that into account...most parents wouldn't deal with what I put him through, and most wouldn't still give their kids chance after chance when they just keep screwing up over and over. When I was in third grade, I had to write a paper about who my hero was...I chose my Dad...and that....that will never change. So thank you Dad for everything you've ever done for me. Thank you for sticking by my side and believing in me. Thank you for having faith in me, even when I continue to disappoint you. Thank you for being the best. And most of all, thank you for your unconditional love. I love you dad.