Sunday, October 21, 2012

Goodbye Beautiful, Hello Heavy...

              So when planning a pregnancy, I feel as though all woman should research how they are going to feel throughout the changing timeline of it all...I have been pregnant before, seven years ago...so when me and my husband planned to get pregnant this time, I expected all joy, happiness and excitement the whole time....whoa was i wrong! The first two trimesters were awesome....I felt glowing...still tiny, excited and happy....I felt pretty. The third trimester hit, and everything went to hell in a hand-basket. It was like i woke up one morning and I had this huge belly on the front of me. My face gets rounder and rounder by the day, my tattoos look four times the size they were when i first got them, my hair is either perfect or so hideous it doesn't even look good tied back in a simple ponytail,  I feel like a pre-teen getting acne all over my face...which didn't even happen to me in high school so why is it happening now?? My thighs, which always had about an inch of space between them, now touch, and chafe depending on what I am wearing. My ass should wear a sign to watch out because it's taking on a life of it's own. I cry on a daily basis, and half of the time i couldn't tell you why.
       I feel like the ugly duckling lately, nothing anyone can say makes me feel better. I hate gaining weight, i hate getting stretch marks, and i hate being tired, moody, cranky, on edge, and anxious all of the time. I yearn for a full nights sleep, like go to bed when it gets dark and not wake up until the sun is shining in my face...but nooooo, I'm up literally 3-4 times a night to use the bathroom...I might as well have the baby here already, at least then getting up all night would render sensible. I feel like I am completely disgusting to my husband, which in his defense, nothing he says or does makes me feel better...only for the simple fact that I know that it is instilled in mens brains to respond with the safe answer of, "Honey you're not fat, you're pregnant. You're still beautiful to me." Ok, l bullshit, I know that I am nowhere near the size I was before this whole saga started, and i Know that how i look now, plus the fact of knowing there's a baby growing inside of me, isn't in the least bit, appealing to you. I'm not stupid...but thank you for trying.
       I know that this is normal in a lot of women, and i know that everyone says that it will get better...but I'm one of those impatient people, who expect immediate results after i have this baby..i want to be back to my slim, appealing (to my husband at least) self. I want to be able to put on my jeans and a nice top and feel good about myself. I want people to look at me and be like, I can't believe she has two kids. I know that this sounds selfish, and i know that this is unrealistic, but as of the last couple of weeks, this is what's in my head. I want my husband to come home from work, and realize why he misses me when he's gone, and why he's happy to be with me in the first place. I want to make it through a day without a tear or a fight. I just want Collin to be here, and my family to be happy and complete. Ohhhh third trimester mommyhood :/ 

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