Crazy?? I think that's a pretty accurate accusation of how i have been feeling lately. I am officially DONE with this whole being pregnant thing. In the beginning it was all smiles and bragging and cute little baby bump...now? Now I'm just plain sick of it! I feel like a huge, ugly, emotional cow. I'm far enough along that i can safely say that being pregnant is no longer comfortable...everything hurts, and feels swollen, and cramps and pinches and bulges. I can't remember the last time i could fit into jeans..which kills me because i would like to attempt to look beautiful for my husband once in a while. I can't remember the last day that i didn't cry over something, whether it's being left alone while my son goes to school and my husband goes to work, or because I have some crazy thought in my head that drives me crazy, or because i don't feel loved because I feel gross. I get winded climbing the stairs to do laundry because i have a baby smushing my lungs up into my throat, I have heartburn on a daily basis, and my vitamins have decided to hinder more than help, making me sick every day.
I just want Collin to be here, and i want to be happy and excited. I can't wait for him to be here, and by saying that I'm done with being pregnant, doesn't mean that i don't want him...it just means that I am tired of being uncomfortable and emotional and i want to be able to show my husband that i love him and not always have to have him reassuring me, and i don't want to be moody with my son. I am lucky that i am with the man i am with, i don't think that i would ever find anyone who is as understanding and patient as he is. Some days i can't even bear with myself, let alone figure out how he can deal with me. He spends his days working so that we can have nice things, and then he comes home to deal with my 20 questions and reassure me and all this other b.s...No one else could ever deal with that....and it surprises me every day that he does.
I've never known what it's like to be loved unconditionally, except by my son..but that's a different kind of love....I mean, i never thought it was possible for anyone, especially a man who's still young and has a lot to still do in life, to deal with me and my son and love me every day without question and to try with everything he has to make me happy. I'm so bitchy and moody and stand-offish lately that it's a wonder why he wants to come home to me every night. I spend so much time worrying about if he still loves me and if he's lost interest, that i don't take the time to show him how much i still love him, and how grateful i am for him and everything that he does. Sometimes it floors me as to why someone so amazing would want to be with a mess like me. He could have someone who's thin, and into the things that all other people our ages are, someone who doesn't have baggage and who doesn't question him...but for some odd reason, he loves me.
So while sitting home today, I've come to the conclusion that i have to stop being how i've been being. I need to let him do what he has to do to support our family. I have to accept that every day can't be a vacation and he can't be by my side all of the time. I have to just know that he loves me, without having to be reassured all the time. I have to show him how happy i am that he's home, instead of questioning what he did all day and who he talked to. I have to be grateful that i get to fall asleep with him every night and wake up next to him every morning. I have to accept the fact that he loves me and he's not going anywhere...but most of all.. i have to accept that i have to make these changes...or i'm going to drive him away. So crazy? Yeah, I guess for the next two months i am...but i will be making a conscious effort to change this, and to show my family how much i love them and how lucky i am to have them.
I just want Collin to be here, and i want to be happy and excited. I can't wait for him to be here, and by saying that I'm done with being pregnant, doesn't mean that i don't want him...it just means that I am tired of being uncomfortable and emotional and i want to be able to show my husband that i love him and not always have to have him reassuring me, and i don't want to be moody with my son. I am lucky that i am with the man i am with, i don't think that i would ever find anyone who is as understanding and patient as he is. Some days i can't even bear with myself, let alone figure out how he can deal with me. He spends his days working so that we can have nice things, and then he comes home to deal with my 20 questions and reassure me and all this other b.s...No one else could ever deal with that....and it surprises me every day that he does.
I've never known what it's like to be loved unconditionally, except by my son..but that's a different kind of love....I mean, i never thought it was possible for anyone, especially a man who's still young and has a lot to still do in life, to deal with me and my son and love me every day without question and to try with everything he has to make me happy. I'm so bitchy and moody and stand-offish lately that it's a wonder why he wants to come home to me every night. I spend so much time worrying about if he still loves me and if he's lost interest, that i don't take the time to show him how much i still love him, and how grateful i am for him and everything that he does. Sometimes it floors me as to why someone so amazing would want to be with a mess like me. He could have someone who's thin, and into the things that all other people our ages are, someone who doesn't have baggage and who doesn't question him...but for some odd reason, he loves me.
So while sitting home today, I've come to the conclusion that i have to stop being how i've been being. I need to let him do what he has to do to support our family. I have to accept that every day can't be a vacation and he can't be by my side all of the time. I have to just know that he loves me, without having to be reassured all the time. I have to show him how happy i am that he's home, instead of questioning what he did all day and who he talked to. I have to be grateful that i get to fall asleep with him every night and wake up next to him every morning. I have to accept the fact that he loves me and he's not going anywhere...but most of all.. i have to accept that i have to make these changes...or i'm going to drive him away. So crazy? Yeah, I guess for the next two months i am...but i will be making a conscious effort to change this, and to show my family how much i love them and how lucky i am to have them.
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