Mental Preparation Phase 1:

       Now that the bells and whistles and all of the hype and excitement of being pregnant has settled in, reality has taken over and put me into a heightened state of "Oh My God what the hell am i gonna do?!" With my first son nothing was scheduled, nothing expected, and nothing was nerve racking because all I knew was that I was due to have a baby in October, and that was it. Well, when i went in for my weekly check-up in September, my blood pressure came up high, way high compared to normal, so, my doctor suggested that I spend a night in the hospital just so that they could  monitor me. As much as I didn't want to, I was kind of left with no choice, and after much argument and debate, I headed to the hospital with my pajamas and the thought that I would be fine and going home to next day. Well, since sh*t happens, and nothing ever turns out as planned, I woke up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, as I'm sitting there, I feel this huge gush...wait...I didn't know I had to pee that bad! Hmmm...maybe I'm just tired and it's all the stuff I drank for dinner....so, on my walk back to bed, i still have this..stuff...dripping out of somewhere that it shouldn't be coming from...then...the contractions start.
       I lay down in bed and call the nurses' station on the hospital room phone, "Ummm hi, I think my water just broke.." "Okay, we'll send someone down." After waiting for a half an hour, and two more phone calls to the front desk, a small welcoming committee comes into my room, asks me to drop trow and invades my "personal space" in front of about 6 other people. My answer, "Oh, his feet are coming out, get her to the OR now..." Okayyyyy....so here I am calling my entire family on some cordless hospital phone while they wheel me down the hall. I get into this sterile room where I get rolled over and held in one spot, I feel a little pinch in my back, and then I feel...nothing. A big blue sheet is put up in front of my face, oxygen is put in my nose, I feel a lot of pushing and tugging, but no pain...and then...I hear my son cry. What the hell just happened?!?!
       Needless to say, because none of this was anticipated, I had no idea what to expect so I had no time to be scared, no time to worry, and no time to think about what they were actually going to do. This time, with the newest baby, I wasn't quite sure what to expect either...but after many talks with my doctor, and after careful consideration, we came to the decision that a scheduled c-section would be best for this baby to ensure that he would come out safe, happy and healthy. The doctor has already said that he is breech, just like my last son was, and that he is small....to try to push him out and risk hurting him, is not worth it to me, so, I opted to undergo the knife instead. Regardless of this choice, i don't think that it is something that I can fully mentally prepare myself for. I can't get it in my head to be ready to walk into the hospital with my bags packed, get comfy in my room, shake hands with the doctor and then..."Okay sir, make my whole body numb and then cut me on open!!" No way! I'm terrified!! 
       Number one, I DO NOT want a spinal, they do not sound pleasant nor do I like not feeling my whole body. Number two, I do not want oxygen strapped to my face, it makes me anxious. Number three, I absolutely do not want a catheter stuck into my private areas..I've never had one before, and I'd rather suffer with feeling like crap and getting up to walk to the bathroom by my damn self, plus i didn't have one when i had my first son, so why do i need one this time?? Number four, I hate all surgeries, i do not like the idea of having someone cut me open, stitch me on the inside and then hold me shut with some staples...needless to say, when I am released from the hospital, they use this funky staple remover, take all of my staples out, and then butterfly stitch me shut. Okay, butterfly stitches are just some super sticky ass band-aids that fall off on their own...ummmmm, I'd prefer to not rely on some extra-strength stick to keep my guts inside of my abdomen thank you very much. And finally, number five, they keep you so doped up on pain meds, that the whole week you are there is a blur...I can't even tell you who the hell came to visit me in the hospital when my son was born...this is a girl who doesn't even take advil for headaches...and they had me on a morphine drip, plus a couple shots of God knows what, that they came in and stuck into my iv drip....all i know is that i sure didn't feel one single ounce of pain..but I probably couldn't have even told you my full name or where I was born either.
       So like i said, I am all for making sure that my son comes out happy and healthy, and my c-section is one month away from being scheduled, and I will not back out..it's what i have to do, but I don't think, from now, nor till the day of my surgery, will I ever be ready to willingly go into surgery. Mental Preparation Phase 1 is a work in progress..but since I'm a natural worrier...my guess is that it will be a huge FAIL, and I'll be a mess when I walk through the doors anyways. Ahhhh Motherhood :)

My Pregnant Sex Life??

       Ok, well this particular blog is probably not quite child appropriate, but it's definitely a Mommy appropriate blog....I'm going to vent about what being pregnant has done to my sex life! Ready ladies?! Here it is:
       I was so excited when we found out that we were pregnant. Not only had we been trying for months and months, and not only were we now successful, but now, I was going to be period free for the next nine months! My husband was going to have free rein to ambush me at any moment he liked without a worry in the world. We were going to enjoy the time before the baby came as much as we enjoyed the time we spent making the baby, if you know what i mean. :) It was fun for the first five months, I was still tiny and attractive and my husband loved every second of it. Well, ever since this lovely little belly came along, and Collins kicks started being professional soccer player worthy, the booty train has been derailed and is currently awaiting a jump start.
       Now don't get me wrong, our sex life isn't completely dead, it just isn't where it used to be, and I guess I can't be mad, because I can't sympathize with where he's coming from. I can imagine that it must be a pain in the ass...he can't be close to me because my belly is like a huge blimp. He puts his hand on my belly and Collin kicks instantly...welp THAT about ends that! Then all i hear is, "Oh my God he's mad! I'm hurting him! We can't be doing this! He's gonna grab my junk!" Hahaha all of these are viable worries, but no matter what I say, he is still can't get these visuals or feelings out of his head. I guess if i was a man, I would worry about it too, but I'm not, I'm a woman and all I know is that I want to be close to my husband, and I want to be able to intimate with him all the time like I used to be.
       I suppose I have to suck it up and be a little more understanding of where he is coming from too....I used to be a lot smaller, i used to be able to dress sexy for him and look nice, i used to be able to do a lot more than I can now. I know that he loves me and I know that he is still attracted to me and still thinks that i am beautiful. I know that it will get better once the baby comes and i am fully recovered from surgery, and I know that it is nothing personal towards me and that it must be torture for him as much as it is for me....so for now I am going to have to remind myself day to day that he loves me regardless of how productive our sex life is...i'll just have to make sure that when we do get busy...we get really really busy ;)

Ohhhh Good Lord!

       I have decided that, in my next two months of being home until Collin comes, I will no longer be watching the TLC channel on tv. Sitting home this lunch time, I thought that it would be a good idea to watch TLC's A Baby Story...maybe see if other expectant moms feel the same way as i do...well, this is something I am not going to watch again until AFTER my son is born! Oh good Lord, I cried, I laughed, I held my breath and I'm pretty sure I had a small bout with an anxiety attack! The one story that I watched was the same as mine, the woman had already had one child, and he was an emergency c-section, so after much research and conversing with her Doctor, the woman decided that another c-section would be the best and most safe way for her to have her new baby. I was immediately captivated...I had to watch more! This lady felt the same way i do, she was tired and sick of not being able to breathe and she just wanted her new baby to be here already...ok, i concur! 
       Well, the day came for her to go into her surgery, and everything set in. She decided that maybe being pregnant wasn't that bad, and she could have waited even longer if that had been an option. Nerves were at a high altitude, anxiety was first in line, then worry, and excitement, and anticipation. Her and her husbands whole family was outside waiting for the new addition to the family. Then, before you know it, you hear a new baby cry and teas start running. Don't get me wrong, A Baby Story is an awesome tv show, but for myself, being less than two months away from having Collin, it's something that i shouldn't watch, especially since I over-stress about it all already. It's a horribly addicting show though, and I find myself wanting to cover my eyes, but watch every second, and sit on this couch and not get up for the entire Baby Story marathon that has been on since 9 this morning and will continue until about 10 tonight. I feel as though it would be better for my sanity and for my well-being, if my husband came home and put a parental block on this channel with a code that I could never guess until after I give birth!
       I want so badly for Collin to be here, and to not have to worry, and be pregnant anymore, and to know what he looks like and to hear him cry for the first time. But on the flip side, I am not ready one little bit for my surgery, and I don't know how I am going to balance the house, and a new baby and a seven year old. I stress about making sure that Diego doesn't feel left out, but still giving Collin everything he needs. I worry about being up with Collin all night and then having to wake up with Diego for school, and trying to have a nice dinner ready for my husband when he gets home from a long day at work, and being able to get just enough sleep, all while maintaining my sanity. I know that this is normal, and that it's something that no one really has an answer to...just that, I'll figure it out. 
       Motherhood is something that is naturally instilled in us from the time of birth, and if it's not, then maybe you just aren't meant to have babies. Common sense says, when your baby cries, he's probably hungry, needs a diaper change, or needs attention...it's about as simple as that..but for some people, it's not. I'm no where close to the worlds best mom, I have my faults and my imperfections, but I  make sure that my son is well taken care of and loved. I guess the bottom line is, that i need to sit, relax, and realize that this is life, this is the life that i choose to have, and nothing is ever going to be perfect. I have an amazing son now, and I am going to have another amazing son in November, and I am going to have an amazing man to be by my side through it all. Nothing is going to wait, nothing is going to be put on hold, and nothing is going to conform to make life easy for me. I am a Mom..so it goes hand in hand, that i should expect every day of my life to be..divine chaos. <3 

A Letter to My Love

       The other day i wrote a blog in note form to my son for his birthday...well, I feel that this is an easier way to express my emotions lately since nothing that i try to say seems to come out right. It has been a very rough last couple of months at home, with all of the chaos of whats coming finally settling in, everyone is stressed to the hilt and nerves and patience are lacking. So, I am going to write a letter to my husband on here, to let out how i feel, because I just don't say it enough lately. Here goes:
       Hi Babe,
Right now you're at work, doing what you do best...being successful, and I'm at home missing you. I'm sorry that I'm not the same person lately that I was a couple of months ago. I'm sorry that we argue and I'm sorry that sometimes you don't feel very much like I love you....but i do. I love you and Diego and Collin more than anything in this world and I don't know what I would do without any of you. I don't mean to be moody, and stand-offish, and temperamental, and I don't mean to question you and have all of these insecurities....I'm hoping that it all goes away after the baby comes, and i'll feel like my old self again. I feel so gross lately. I feel fat, and ugly, and completely unattractive. I worry that I won't look like I did before Collin, and you'll never find me attractive again. I worry that i need you to reassure me to much lately and that you're getting so sick of it.
       I feel like sometimes you wonder why you deal with all of the b.s. of taking care of me and Diego, when you could live the happy single life and not worry about any of this. I wonder sometimes why you put up with me, when i can't even bear to be anywhere near myself. I know you tell me everyday that it's because you love me, but i just can't fathom in my head, what's so special about me, that you could love me that unconditionally and deal with all of my flaws day to day. There is nothing that i want more, than you to be happy. I can't guarantee that I can do this, but i promise to always try every day of my life.
       I promise to always show you how much I love you, whether it's cooking a nice family dinner, or running out to your truck to hug you when you get home from work. I promise to try to always keep you interested in me, and i promise to always be interested in you everyday, and to try to keep learning more and more about you. I promise to try to let little, unimportant things go and to not nag you about them. I promise to try to tell you how i feel and explain it, rather than to accuse you for being the reason as to why i feel the way that i do. I promise to always be faithful and honest with you. I promise to support every ambition that you have, even if it's not my favorite thing or first choice for us. I promise to understand that you don't do the things you do because you don't want to be home, you do them because you love this family and you want the best things for us. I promise to try to understand that you and I are different than you and whoever else you've dated, and that the past is the past and we can't let who we were have an effect on who we are now. 
       But most of all, I promise to spend the rest of my life with you, as long as you want me. So, thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for making sacrifices and for trying everyday to show me how much you care. Thank you for doing what most men don't. Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for always working things out with me, even when i'm your least favorite person. Thank you for being you. I love you.

Moving Forward.

       So in this week of being sad and depressed because my husband now has a job and i am stuck in the house all day with nothing and nowhere to go, I have decided that it is finally time to get my butt in gear, and do something with my life. I have decided that I am finally going to stop procrastinating and doubting myself, and go back to school. After a long long time of thinking, and getting applications, and debating what i want to go for, and changing my mind, and putting it off, and getting scared, and making excuses, and so on and so forth, I have decided that I am going to go to school for m associates degree in Dental Hygiene. I sent in my application today for both school and financial aide. Now, this does not mean that I am not still nervous beyond belief to go back to school and start all over again after not being in school for more than seven years...but hey, people do it every day right??
       With all of the classes I have to take and all of the things that I missed out on that I have to make up, i have come to the conclusion that I will be somewhere around 30 years old when I finally have a carved in stone path for my life...but it's better than nothing I guess. There are other things that i could choose to do with school, but the Dental field is something that I am very interested in, and have already gone to school and got a Dental Assisting Certificate. Plus this is something that is a career and will always be in demand...I don't want just a job, I want something that I can do for the rest of my life, something that I can make good money doing and support my family and give them everything that i possibly can. I want to be able to be comfortable and happy. 
       Luckily I have an amazing support team behind me encouraging me to go for it and that i can do it. Hopefully, if this is something i dedicate myself to full time, i can finish early and jump right into an amazing career. All i want is to find something where I can make enough money to support my family, and for my husband to be able to stay home and work on his own business and not have to work for anyone else. He is the one working while I am in school, so when I graduate, I want him to be able to be the one to stay home and spend time with the kids that he is going to miss out on while always being at work. Hopefully I can pull this off. Now all that i have to do is await my acceptance letter in the mail and all systems are go! Wish me luck everyone!!

Hello Sanity??!!

       Crazy?? I think that's a pretty accurate accusation of how i have been feeling lately. I am officially DONE with this whole being pregnant thing. In the beginning it was all smiles and bragging and cute little baby bump...now? Now I'm just plain sick of it! I feel like a huge, ugly, emotional cow. I'm far enough along that i can safely say that being pregnant is no longer comfortable...everything hurts, and feels swollen, and cramps and pinches and bulges. I can't remember the last time i could fit into jeans..which kills me because i would like to attempt to look beautiful for my husband once in a while. I can't remember the last day that i didn't cry over something, whether it's being left alone while my son goes to school and my husband goes to work, or because I have some crazy thought in my head that drives me crazy, or because i don't feel loved because I feel gross. I get winded climbing the stairs to do laundry because i have a baby smushing my lungs up into my throat, I have heartburn on a daily basis, and my vitamins have decided to hinder more than help, making me sick every day. 
       I just want Collin to be here, and i want to be happy and excited. I can't wait for him to be here, and by saying that I'm done with being pregnant, doesn't mean that i don't want him...it just means that I am tired of being uncomfortable and emotional and i want to be able to show my husband that i love him and not always have to have him reassuring me, and i don't want to be moody with my son. I am lucky that i am with the man i am with, i don't think that i would ever find anyone who is as understanding and patient as he is. Some days i can't even bear with myself, let alone figure out how he can deal with me. He spends his days working so that we can have nice things, and then he comes home to deal with my 20 questions and reassure me and all this other b.s...No one else could ever deal with that....and it surprises me every day that he does. 
       I've never known what it's like to be loved unconditionally, except by my son..but that's a different kind of love....I mean, i never thought it was possible for anyone, especially a man who's still young and has a lot to still do in life, to deal with me and my son and love me every day without question and to try with everything he has to make me happy. I'm so bitchy and moody and stand-offish lately that it's a wonder why he wants to come home to me every night. I spend so much time worrying about if he still loves me and if he's lost interest, that i don't take the time to show him how much i still love him, and how grateful i am for him and everything that he does. Sometimes it floors me as to why someone so amazing would want to be with a mess like me. He could have someone who's thin, and into the things that all other people our ages are, someone who doesn't have baggage and who doesn't question him...but for some odd reason, he loves me. 
       So while sitting home today, I've come to the conclusion that i have to stop being how i've been being. I need to let him do what he has to do to support our family. I have to accept that every day can't be a vacation and he can't be by my side all of the time. I have to just know that he loves me, without having to be reassured all the time. I have to show him how happy i am that he's home, instead of questioning what he did all day and who he talked to. I have to be grateful that i get to fall asleep with him every night and wake up next to him every morning. I have to accept the fact that he loves me and he's not going anywhere...but most of all.. i have to accept that i have to make these changes...or i'm going to drive him away. So crazy? Yeah, I guess for the next two months i am...but i will be making a conscious effort to change this, and to show my family how much i love them and how lucky i am to have them.

Happy Birthday Baby

       I feel that, because it is my sons birthday tomorrow, and because he is amazing in every way and i love him with all of my heart, i should write a whole post about him wishing him a happy birthday and so on...so I'm going to write this post as if he is reading it..here goes...
        Hi baby, today you are seven years old, can you believe it?? We've been counting down for the last five months, and finally i can say, today is your birthday! Seven might not sound like much to you, but you are smart way beyond your years, and you are the most grown up little man that i know. I know that sometimes I'm hard on you, and sometimes i don't give you a fair chance to be a kid...i want you to know that i don't do it intentionally...I just want to make sure that you always have a good head on your shoulders, and that you always know right from wrong. I never want you to be left out, or picked on. I want you to excel in everything that you do, and i want you to have the option to be whatever you want in life. Sometimes, when i'm hard on you, i do it for my own reasons, which really isn't fair...but that's just how it is. I had you when i was young...when having kids at that age wasn't the thing to do..for fame, love, infatuation, or any reason..it just wasn't supposed to happen. I got judged before anyone even  met you and found out what an amazing child you were. I made it a point to raise you with boundaries and rules. I never wanted to be that stereotypical young mom that let strangers watch here baby while she went out and partied. I didn't want everyone to think that because i had you young, i didn't care and you were just going to be another troubled child that can't behave.
       So, even though sometimes i'm not always your favorite person, i promise you that i do try, and i do only want what is best for you. You are already such a little gentleman. You hold doors open for ladies, you say excuse me before interrupting a conversation, please & thank you are regular manners you use, and you have dreams and ambitions. You are the ideal child that everyone should want, and i praise you for how tough you are. You stick by me through everything, which hasn't always been easy. You love me unconditionally and you take care of me when i can't even do it myself. I might be your mom, but you are my rock. You keep me sane, make me happy when I'm sad, make me laugh when I'm angry, and take care of me when i'm sick. You teach me something new everyday and you show me what real love is. I'm the one that's lucky to have you. I promise to always support you in the decisions that you make, i may not always agree with you, but i'll always be by your side. I promise to help you whenever i can. I promise to give you all that you deserve and to do everything i can to make that happen. I promise to always be here when you need someone to talk to. I would never trade you for anything in this world. I got blessed when God gave me you for a son.
        Happy Birthday Diego. Mommy loves you with all of her heart <3

You want me to do what with my what?!

       So first off, let me say that, i am all for doing what you can to insure that you are going to have a healthy, happy baby, but on the same token, i think that there should be a limit to what everyone tells you to do. Since the day i got pregnant, multiple people at an abundance of appointments have asked, "Do you plan on breast-feeding the baby?" When i say i don't know, i get this God awful look like i said i was gonna pee in a bottle and have my child drink that instead, along with the, "Oh...well...it' s way better for the baby if you do. Nothing will give him as much nutrition...plus you'll lose the baby weight quicker..and save money." Okay, well i appreciate your input...umm...actually..no, i don't.
       First off, I know that it is better for the baby if i breastfeed, but then again, i could be a chain smoker and an avid drinker (i'm not, but i'm just making a point), then would it be the healthiest thing for my baby?...Probably not. I'll lose the baby weight quicker??  Really?? Okay, half the people that say this to me, are not little miss slim and fits, so who the hell are they to sit there and imply that i resemble what would be called a cow? Maybe i'm okay with keeping a few of these extra pounds on to keep me warm all winter! How's that?! I'll save money?...I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you were knowledgeable of my financial situation and could state that i would save money..cuz i need it so bad. 
       Don't get me wrong, I am all for people helping me and watching out for the best interest of my child, but when they are the SAME people that ask me all the time, my answer is not going to change. Yes, i will try to breastfeed my baby...maybe it will work...probably not..but there is a slight chance that maybe this time i can deal with it. They act like because i haven't had a baby in seven years, I lost all sense of how to be a mom and what's right and wrong. I remember very well being in the hospital when my first son was born. I remember agreeing to try to breastfeed my son, and i remember some lady coming in, yanking down one of the shoulders on my jonny, cupping my boob in one hand, and sticking my sons face to it with the other, all in a matter of seconds! No "Hi I'm blah blah blah, how are you feeling and this is what we are going to be doing."..She just went right in for the kill.
       It hurt, it was not bond-worthy, it was awkward and uncomfortable...trust me, i wish that it was something that i could have sucked up and done for my son...but my breasts being touched just isn't something that i'm comfortable with...i never have been, no matter who it is. I couldn't tell you why...some people don't like their butt grabbed, or they aren't big kissers...me? I'm just not a boob girl i guess. If i really have to justify it, then here goes: It makes my leg feel weird..like pins and needles weird, It makes me have a stomach ache, and it just isn't enjoyable. Sorry.  But for all the breastfeeding advocates out there, and all you moms who probably think i'm a jerk now for this post...I AM going to try breastfeeding my new baby...I can't make any promises...but i do promise to at least try...and when i do...you'll have a whole post to read about it! :)

Step Out of My Comfort Zone?? WHAT??

       Me and my fiance met at work. We worked together for a little over a year, and despite all the childish flirting and anticipation...we never hung out, let alone started dating, until i no longer worked for the company. After a couple of months, he ended up leaving the company also, and so the whirlwind of it all began. Neither of us worked, he did side jobs every so often and i stayed at home with my son. He took advantage of unemployment, which was well deserved after working for the same company for 3 years. We spent every single day together and never got sick of one another. We were best friends right off the bat. We fished, did puzzles, played games, went out with my son, hung out with my family and his...everything...there was nothing we didn't agree on. We decided after a couple of months to start trying to have a baby.
       After four months of trying, we finally got good news, a baby was on the way!! Side jobs were still coming in, and i accompanied him to every one, even work was fun for us to do together. Well now summers over and the cold season and crappy weather, and little baby boy, are all on the way...and my other half has to find a job to take care of it all. :( I know this is life, but i am so used to having him here for everything. I am used to having my best friend right next to me to talk to whenever i have something to say, and someone to step in when i need a second voice for my son, someone to keep me company and sane. I know how i sound..needy and attached, but i'm okay with being like that. I have someone that i love with all of my heart and I couldn't go a day without, and can do anything with. 
       I'm selfish and greedy and i want to keep my family all to myself. My comfort zone is at home, in my cozy house with my perfect family. I'm sure that one day i will get used him going to work every day, and i'll get used to being home with two kids all by myself...i guess someday i might even get used to being a housewife..:/..we'll have to see about that one though!

Because I am Mom.

       When i got pregnant, no one else in my school was having babies yet...it wasn't quite the cool thing to do, like it is now in 2012. If you had a baby young, you got dirty looks and unwelcome judgement from everyone. Your friends didn't stick around, and you sure as hell didn't get a reality show offer to broadcast your life on television. I got pregnant when i was seventeen, and my beautiful son was born when i was eighteen. Being mom was nothing like what i expected...it wasn't easy, but from the time i heard him first cry in the hospital, i knew that it was what the rest of my life would be dedicated to. My friends went off to college and did their own thing. I worked two jobs and did what i could to take care of my little man. 
       Because i am mom, i:
1. Gave up scary movies, for disney. 
2. Gave up late night joy rides. for "Please fall asleep if i drive you around and play lullabies" rides. 
3. Gave up cute winter scarves for burp clothes.
4. Gave up smoking for rocking chair cuddle dates.
5. Gave up good nights sleep for 2 a.m. feedings.
6. Gave up clubbing nights for mommy & me movie nights. 
7. Gave up working late night jobs for 9-5's. 
8. Gave up my own selfishness for the happiness of the love of my life.
.....All because I am Mom.
       Sometimes things don't work out quite the way we plan. Sometimes the things that we think will be easy, are the hardest tests of our life. Sometimes the things we think are no big deal...are the most rewarding aspects of our existence. I gave up a lot of things, but i also gained a lot as well. 
Now I have:
1. Someone to love me unconditionally.
2. Someone to make me smile when I'm upset.
3. Someone to always depend on me and make me feel needed.
4. Someone to teach me a new lesson everyday, no matter how long i've been out of school.
5. Someone to hold my hand and never be ashamed.
6. Someone to listen to me and never judge me.
7. Someone to show me how to see things simply, instead of perplexing every single little thing. 
8. Someone to appreciate something as little as a McDonalds happy meal toy.
9. Someone to tuck in and kiss every night.
10. Someone to take care of me when i'm sick.
       I have gained far more than i have, or will, ever lose by having my son. I may not have planned on being a mom so young, but i have no regrets about it. I am still young enough to enjoy my son playing sports, and getting married, and having kids, and playing with my grandchildren. I get to be my sons mother, but also his friend. I may have lost a lot of my friends when he came along, but he has been by my side through thick and thin and he continues to amaze me every day. I'll gladly take all the losses for all of the gains i've got...all because...I am Mom.

Don't worry...Mom will do it.

       So I've come to the conclusion, that when you live in a house full of men, it is either thought that maybe there is some magic thing living with you that comes out at night while everyone is sleeping and cleans, or they are under the impression that since mom is around, everything that needs to get done, is just bound to be done sooner or later. I swear that this is the thought process of men: (husbands, children, boyfriends...)
1. "Hmm, I'm out of clothes..." Don't worry, mom went into the basement, so that must mean she's doing it now.
2. "There's nothing to eat and I'm hungry.." It's almost 5 o'clock, that means mom will be making dinner soon so i'll be okay until then.
3. "Oh crap, I dropped my q-tip on the bathroom floor..." Mom usually cleans the bathroom every couple of days, so i'm sure she'll get it when she sweeps.
4. "I forgot my laundry on the floor..." That's okay, mom will pick it up when she vacuums so it's not in her way.
5. "God this house is a mess.." I don't need to pick up any of my shit because mom is anal about having a clean house so she'll do it just so she doesn't have a mess.
6. "I'm to lazy to give myself a bath tonight..." If i do a bad job for a couple of days then mom will wash me so I won't be the smelly kid in school.
7. "I want to use my phone but the charger is all the way upstairs..." If i keep asking mom if i can use her phone, she'll get annoyed and go plug mine in. :)
....These are just a FEW examples of how it is expected that, as long as there is mom around, no one has to worry about anything because everything will always get done.
       I don't mind doing any of these things either, as long as they are appreciated. When they go from being appreciated, to expected...that's when it becomes aggravating. We got into the habit of always doing fun things with my son. It started out with a chore chart. I bought a big poster board and wrote down all of the things that he is expected, and can, do for chores to make money, and if he is good all month, he gets to choose one place to go. Well, this chart worked for about three months, then he just started assuming that because he is in school, and because we do things with him all of the time anyways, he doesn't have to do anything and he still gets rewarded. Ummmm WRONG! I do not mind helping my child out in any way, shape, or form...but there is a limit. I take my sons hamper out of his room and bring it downstairs, i wash his clothes, and then i fold them all neatly. All i ask is that he puts them in his bureau drawers, when he has the audacity to tell me "No", then i have the audacity to tell him to carry his own laundry down and do it himself! I help, that's fine, I'm mom and that's my job...but I will not enable my child to be a lazy one, there are things that he knows how to, and is perfectly capable of doing, himself. 
       I wish that for one week, I could have a, "Don't worry, Diego and Dave are at home, when you get back everything will be all done." HA! You cannot leave two guys by themselves and expect anything to be done! They are, more than likely, going to be in the same spot that you left them in when you left the house a couple hours earlier. This is fine with  me, as long as once in a while i get some kind of sign of appreciation. "Wow babe, the house looks amazing." "Wow mom, thanks for putting my clothes away." Little things like those are nice..So as long as i continue to hear those comments...there will continue to be a "Don't worry, mom will do it," policy in my house. :)

Because my 7 year old said so...that's why!

       Never in my life did i ever expect my child to be telling me off, to be proving me wrong, and to be so blunt and sarcastic that it's like i'm looking in a mirror seeing my smart-ass self giving my parents a hard time. Growing up, all i heard is "I hope you have one just like you someday, so you can see what you put us through." My obnoxious retort was always, "I'll never be like you guys! I'll be the coolest mom ever!" ....eat my own words. I AM SO that mother! I wait at the bus stop in my big fluffy bathrobe, with my winter boots on because they're easy to slip off, with my bedhead messy bun and my four sizes to big pajama pants, making my son kiss me goodbye in front of the bus driver and all his friends before he leaves for school, then to top it all off, I stand there and wave until the bus turns the corner. The best part is...my son gladly kisses my cheek and waves rather enthusiastically until the bus is gone :). I know that this is something that will pass, and someday he may even literally hate me for doing these things to him, but i am determined to get every ounce of love and genuine childhood out of him that i can before its gone.
       I said something to him the other day, asking him if he had done his homework, he looks at me and says, "Well mom, Dave let me play video games, so apparently i must have done it." .....okayyyyy...? Apparently?? Really? Well excuse me! Continue on little boss man. On his first day of school he comes home and i ask how it went. "Oh, it went okay mom, I guess i kind of like it, but not that much...it has a really small playground." My reply to this was, "Well D, you don't go to school to play, you go to school to learn so that you can get a good job." To this, i got, "Well my old school had a big playground, and i learned how to write my name in that school. You can learn and have a playground too."...Touche. 
       Every time we go to the store, he, without fail, always wants something. To this i say, "Well D, you can get a job and then you will be able to buy anything you want when you come to the store. Mom and Dave work so that we can pay bills and give you nice things and a house to live in." ....."Mom, I'm to young to get a job, and i can't work anyways because you tell me all the time that i have to go to school and do good so i can get a good job someday."......Mom:0 * Diego:386326583256. 
       There is always a rebuttal for EVERYTHING that i have to say. I don't know what this new development is, but i can't just say anything anymore, without a wise ass comment coming back my way, and i can't get mad, because the truth is, i am the most sarcastic person ever, so when he does it to me, i can't get mad because it's what he sees. It just amazes me how there is something for everything!  
       Part of me knows that he takes advantage of the fact that he is a mommys boy and he knows that i give into him more than i should, worse than me though, is his step-dad...he has the biggest soft spot for him, and he knows it. If it's something that he knows i'm going to say no to, he goes right to Dave because he knows he'll get the answer he wants. He's catching on though, and he's starting to say no to a lot more things and be way more strict. I don't mind it though, my son doesn't need two overbearing parents, I'll be the bad guy while he's the good guy, and when he has to be the bad guy, he is, and i'm there to do mommys role and clean up the tears...an equal team is the best team. I've come to the conclusion that Diego will just always have the answers to everything, and they're always going to be surprisingly valid so there is no arguing with him...I am a sap for my 7 year old little man, and i wouldn't ever change it <3

It Finally Happened!!

     So after months and months of trying, and being disappointed, and trying some more, and writing about it, and crying about it, and so on and so forth....I am happy to let everyone know, that we, are going to be welcoming an amazing new baby boy into the world at the end of November of this year!! Time has flown by, and I feel sometimes like this is all so surreal, and that maybe I'm in this dream world and when i wake up all of this will be gone....but i'm pretty sure I'm wrong in that thought process, for the simple fact that: pregnancy has made me an emotional basket case and, at times, a raging lunatic. I cry at the drop of a pin, I'm angry at the littlest things, I'm needy and over-bearing, and, I'm sure, at times, I'm just straight-up unbearable. My first son is going to be seven in September, so being pregnant was something I had either, A. Forgotten, or B. Had such a shitty one the first time that i purposely forgot how much it sucks! 
     I had finally gotten back to my pre-baby weight...yes...it took me the better part of six years. I was finally getting comfortable in my own skin again, and i was enjoying jeans in the low single digits, that actually fit me comfortably! Now?? Well, NOW, the thought of jeans makes me want to cry, I can get them up my legs, which isn't so depressing...but once i reach my ever expanding butt, I realize that when i purchased a new wardrobe, I should have invested in the material that looks like jeans but has some super stretch strength to them (even though i thought they were the most God awful things when they came out). My feet are not yet swollen..but after a night at work running around and making food, when i get a chance to sit, I feel as though I would be happier just slicing them off with a hack saw. My boobs?? Well, I'd probably enjoy them more if I didn't feel like my chest was caving in from excess weight when I lie on my back...plus the fact that I know what they are going to look like about six months, to a year, after giving birth doesn't appeal to me. And my stomach?! Oh God MY STOMACH!! What IS this dark line running down my middle, like I went to see some crooked surgeon in Brazil?? And my bellybutton, ohhhh dear! My once cute, tiny, nicely pierced inny bellybutton, now has its own zip code, and looks as though if you press it just right, the baby will pop out with a welcome sign. My fingers, hmmm, my once skinny, nicely bling-ed up fingers, now hold my rings hostage, and won't even surrender them to a nice lather in butter! I get my nails done bi-weekly in hopes of making my new hand sausages look a little less unruly. I get dizzy putting my socks and shoes on because my new addition in the front compresses my air intake and makes me see stars if i bend over for to long. But hey, it's all worth it right?? I get an amazing new package that me and someone else made in a couple of months.
     Sleep? What's that?? I don't think I've had a full nights sleep in the last four months!  My poor fiance, every time he falls asleep, I'm waking him up when i get out of bed to use the bathroom, or complaining that some extremity attached to me, fell asleep and I'm going to die if he doesn't fix it, or that i have a pain, or an itch, or a worry....poor guy. I give him all of the credit in the world though...he has been by my side through all of it. He has been to every single doctors appointment, every health visit that I've had to go to, every complaint, every bad day, good day, crazy day. I fully admit that at times i'm way more than unbearable, and to say the least, I'm down-right intolerable, but I love my family with everything I have and being moody and agitated and upset is something that i try to control, but some days, i just can't help. I'm insecure, imaginative, and all these other things now that my whole life is about to change again...this is something i knew i was getting into when we decided to have another baby, but i forget just how uncontrollable these feelings and emotions are sometimes and they get the better of me.  Still, he is supportive in every way, and is so excited to have a new baby to be ours. <3 My son is excited too, he asks me everyday how Collin (the name for our new little man) is. He asks me all the time when he will be here, and he tells every single person that we see that he's going to be a big brother. He kisses my belly and hugs me all the time. He is the most amazing little boy ever, and I would never pick any other child to call mine. I am going to have the two best little boys in the world <3