The balance of it all.

When I had my first son, I swore that that was it and I would never have any more children. Well, needless to say, seven years down the road I met and fell in love with my fiancé. After a while of being together we decided to have a baby. Now, through all the excitement and joy of trying and trying and then finding out we're pregnant and then planning for the new baby, part of me still worried about what it was going to be like to have another child. I worried that my fiancé would feel differently towards my son since he's not his biological father and soon he would have a child of his own. I worried that my son would feel left out, excluded for everything, jealous, or even a little remorseful towards us. I worried about how my oldest would act seeing as how he was the only child and the complete center of our whole world for so long.
I know that someone cannot help the way that they feel. I know that there is a bond between a biological father and son that is completely different than that of a stepdad and son, and these are things I worried about everyday. During my whole pregnancy, we made sure to do lots of things with Diego, family trips, movie nights, plenty of play and quality time. We made sure we drilled it into his head that when Collin comes, we won't love him any less, but because Collin is a baby, he was going to need a lot of our attention and it could no longer be all about just Diego. He told us that he understands this and that he was excited to have a brother...I was happy to hear this...but part of me still worried about him and how he would really feel when the time came.
Well finally the day came when Collin arrived. Diego visited with his grandpa and my fiancé every night. He held his new brother in the hospital and was very excited. All he talked about everywhere he went was his new brother Collin. He surpassed my expectations with flying colors. He was the proudest big brother I have ever seen. Even still, now Collin is a month old, and he is still Diego's pride and joy. He wants to hold him constantly, he wants to feed him, and when Collin fusses, Diego is right there to distract him and make him stop crying. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with two amazing boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. <3

A whole new world....kind of...

So I took a break from the whole blogging world for a while to concentrate on the new family addition and making it all work, and now that everyone is adjusted and doing well with it, immmmm back :). So the day for baby to be here finally came, after ten loooong months of pregnancy! Collin Joseph Geraway, was born on December 10, 2012 at 2:33pm weighing 7lbs 7oz and 19 inches long. He had the expected ten fingers, ten toes, and came out absolutely perfect. I spent three looooong days in the hospital before I got to go home and enjoy my family.
Once we got home, I had forgotten how different it is to have a baby...I was so used to a seven year old that was self sufficient, could tell me what he wanted or what was wrong with him, and who slept through the night. Now, here I am, recovering from delivery, taking care of a baby, and managing my seven year old, all while doing my wifely duties of cooking and maintaining the household. Wow. What a change. Luckily, my oldest son is very efficient and amazingly helpful when it comes to his little brother. He's always willing to hold or feed him...although its not any easier because I still have to sit with him and watch him, but it's endearing that he at least wants to try. I am very lucky that I have a grateful son who is excited to have a brother, rather than jealous or bitter.
So needless to say, after a few sleepless nights, some arguments with the husband, and lots and lots of tears, things straightened out, we became a well working team rather quickly, and routine set into our daily lives faster than expected. Today Collin is a month old, and although things aren't perfect, we are grateful to have two amazing children. Now that bathtimes are done, kids are fed and tucked into bed, the laundry is in the dryer, dishes are done and the alarm clock is set, it's time for this young, but rather old feeling mom, to go to bed! Ohhhh motherhood.

So much for excitement....

When me and my significant other decided to become pregnant, we were ecstatic when it finally happened. We were the ideal couple that took belly pictures every month and counted down the days until The beautiful baby, that we decided to name Collin, would be here. In the beginning, Collin was breached, so a c-section was scheduled for November 30th. I eventually accepted that this was how my son was going to be born, whether it was my first choice or not.
Many appointments later, we discovered that Collin had decided to move into the right position for a natural birth, obviously I was happy! My doctor gave us the go ahead to wait it out and try a natural birth. November 30th came and went, and now here I am on dec 6th, my actual estimated due date...and still no baby!!! At an appointment Monday, my doctor informed me that if I have not gone into labor by my next appointment, he would like to attempt to break my water and get things moving. Ugh seriously?!
My first son was three weeks early, so there was none of this anticipation and stress, he just surprised us all with an early entrance. Let me just say, I am so glad that he did, yes the way he came was stressful and unexpected, but I didn't have to worry, stress, or think about it! I have stressed about going into labor every single day since my scheduled c-section passed, and we have tried endless old wives tales to try to induce labor. I have never eaten so much Mexican food in my life! Add that to some long walks, a couple of stressful days from my seven year old, a little bit of love making, lots of bumpy roads and some serious squats, and you would think that Collin would show some sign of coming out right? Wrong!
I can officially say that pregnancy has gotten to the point of far past enjoyable. I cannot tell you the last time I slept for more than two hours consecutively, whether I'm getting up to pee, or staring at a wall because I just cannot, for the life of me, get comfortable. Just when I thought my belly couldn't get bigger, it feels more and more large every day. I've never been so thirsty in all of my life, and the more I drink, the more I swell. I haven't been able to bend down and put my own socks on for almost three weeks. Heartburn wakes me up in the middle of the night and although its about 35 degrees here at night, my window is open and my fan is running...and I'm still drenched in sweat. I can't sit down to pee without passing gas or my body doing some other weird disgusting thing. Sexy is wayyyyyy a thing of my past.
I am no longer excited for pregnancy, I now excited for baby. I just want my son here so I can get life back to a routine, feel normal, and be happy. Ten months is a long friggin time to be pregnant, and I am mentally and physically drained. I have decided that I am terrified to attempt to give birth, but if it means that my son will finally be here, and I won't have to be pregnant anymore, then hey, I'm all for it.
I can't wait for the day that I can wake up in the morning and sit up, stretch, an get out of bed...not wake up, sigh in frustration, and roll out of bed because my body is to large to pick up. I can't wait for the day when I can wear the clothes that are in my own closet, instead of raiding my husbands. I can't wait for the night when I can go to sleep, and stay asleep, only to wake up for mealtime for little man. I can't wait for the day when I can put my own socks on!
I have no regrets about getting pregnant, but I am more than ready for Collin to come out and enjoy the rest of December with us! This is when men new to realize just how much we do, ten months of pregnancy, hormones and body changes. I am tired of being stretched, poked, kicked and jabbed from the inside out. Lets go Collin, we're ready for you out here!!! Ahhhh motherhood!!

Controversy Over Yoga??

       While on the main website of yahoo, like I always am every morning when i finally drag myself out of bed, I see an article about there being a huge controversy about children participating in yoga while they are at school. Here is what I found:

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-table/201210/parents-object-yoga-classes-schools 

       While every parent should have a say in what their child learns in school, I think that it is insane to feel that you have the right to put up such a fight about something because it's not what you want for your child. On the flip side, schools should make these yoga classes, optional...just like any other subject you study in school, parents and children should have a choice. I personally, would LOVE for my child to have the option to participate in a yoga class, as long as the school teaches it for pure relaxation and self control techniques...I agree that schools have no right to, in any way, implant any kind of religious belief in a child. I don't see how it's wrong to want to teach children how to relax and learn to channel their energies and thoughts into something productive, relaxing and quiet.

       My son takes part in story time at school, where all the kids sit in a circle and listen to the teacher read....now, are these same parents that object to yoga, going to object to story time because there's a possibility that they might not like the book that the teacher has chosen?? People are so quick to assume that if something is new, they won't like it. It's a simple fact...not many people accept, nor like, change. I am catholic, born and raised...and now that I am pregnant, my OBGYN office, offers pre-natal yoga....should i not do this because I am catholic and not of the religion that yoga originates from?? I think that the way that you react to something, all depends on your mindset of the situation...I would like to partake in yoga for the simple fact of practicing mental relaxation and body control, nothing more, nothing less. 

       Children are so overwhelmed with school and this and that these days, and participating in physical contact sports and such, that they could use a little relaxation time. I think that, as long as schools keep the boundary between yoga, and religious beliefs apart, then there is no problem in children taking part in it..but then again...some other parent probably has a very valid reason for being against it...that's what makes us American, our opinions and the right to them!  

Goodbye Beautiful, Hello Heavy...

              So when planning a pregnancy, I feel as though all woman should research how they are going to feel throughout the changing timeline of it all...I have been pregnant before, seven years ago...so when me and my husband planned to get pregnant this time, I expected all joy, happiness and excitement the whole time....whoa was i wrong! The first two trimesters were awesome....I felt glowing...still tiny, excited and happy....I felt pretty. The third trimester hit, and everything went to hell in a hand-basket. It was like i woke up one morning and I had this huge belly on the front of me. My face gets rounder and rounder by the day, my tattoos look four times the size they were when i first got them, my hair is either perfect or so hideous it doesn't even look good tied back in a simple ponytail,  I feel like a pre-teen getting acne all over my face...which didn't even happen to me in high school so why is it happening now?? My thighs, which always had about an inch of space between them, now touch, and chafe depending on what I am wearing. My ass should wear a sign to watch out because it's taking on a life of it's own. I cry on a daily basis, and half of the time i couldn't tell you why.
       I feel like the ugly duckling lately, nothing anyone can say makes me feel better. I hate gaining weight, i hate getting stretch marks, and i hate being tired, moody, cranky, on edge, and anxious all of the time. I yearn for a full nights sleep, like go to bed when it gets dark and not wake up until the sun is shining in my face...but nooooo, I'm up literally 3-4 times a night to use the bathroom...I might as well have the baby here already, at least then getting up all night would render sensible. I feel like I am completely disgusting to my husband, which in his defense, nothing he says or does makes me feel better...only for the simple fact that I know that it is instilled in mens brains to respond with the safe answer of, "Honey you're not fat, you're pregnant. You're still beautiful to me." Ok, l bullshit, I know that I am nowhere near the size I was before this whole saga started, and i Know that how i look now, plus the fact of knowing there's a baby growing inside of me, isn't in the least bit, appealing to you. I'm not stupid...but thank you for trying.
       I know that this is normal in a lot of women, and i know that everyone says that it will get better...but I'm one of those impatient people, who expect immediate results after i have this baby..i want to be back to my slim, appealing (to my husband at least) self. I want to be able to put on my jeans and a nice top and feel good about myself. I want people to look at me and be like, I can't believe she has two kids. I know that this sounds selfish, and i know that this is unrealistic, but as of the last couple of weeks, this is what's in my head. I want my husband to come home from work, and realize why he misses me when he's gone, and why he's happy to be with me in the first place. I want to make it through a day without a tear or a fight. I just want Collin to be here, and my family to be happy and complete. Ohhhh third trimester mommyhood :/ 

C-section vs. Natural Birth

       While trying to prepare myself for my upcoming c-section, I decided that it would be a good idea for me to Google the risks and benefits of a c-section vs. natural birth....bad idea. Holy crap I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever freaked myself out more in my life! Some things are just better left to chance and to just waiting and seeing what happens. Here's the one article that REALLY got to me:

http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/vaginal-birth.html

I am so unsettled...I want nothing more than to have the option to at least try to have my baby naturally. I am terrified of surgeries. I hate hospitals. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll be okay and it's no big deal and I've done it before so it'll be okay this time...well sorry to break it to you...but you wouldn't know...you've never been through it. I did...and it sucked..and i'm sure it'll suck this time too. At least last time I wasn't prepared for it, I didn't expect it, and it was over before I knew it. A c-section has so many dangers, and negative results for mom and baby..that's not reassuring to me. I had postpartum with my first son, and he's been struggling with asthma since he was born, and I swore I would never have more kids after him....all of these things are in this article about the negative results of a c-section...what if all of that happens again with this baby??

       The closer the time gets to having Collin, the more and more crazy I'm driving myself. Oh my God I'm a basket case. I don't want to be away from my home or my family to stay in the hospital....I don't want to be limited to what i can do with my family around the holidays because I am recovering and miserable. I want to be able to come home and enjoy my family. I can honestly say that I have never been more scared to do anything in my life. I just want to have a healthy, happy baby, make a full recovery, and be okay. I understand that I am doing this because it is what will best benefit my son...but I think it's safe, and fair, to say that I am scared absolutely shitless. But hey, I guess that's life. Oyyyy.

ATTN: "FRIENDS & FAMILY"

       So now that it's down to the wire until baby time, I feel that there are a few things that I have to get off of my chest before I am to busy to even have a pee break. I'm sorry in advance that this is not going to be the nicest post that I have written, and I'm sorry that it is going to offend some people, but hey, it's America, my speech is free...that's life. Here goes: 
       To all of the people who claim to be my "Friends," thank you for not stopping by, texting, or calling once in my last eight months of pregnancy to even say hello. Thank you for making it a point to be sure that I was there to see your children in the hospital, and hold them the first day they were born, but you can't even answer a text message. Thank you for being there for me to talk to when i feel overwhelmed about all of this, since I would drag my son to your house for hours while I walked around with your baby, calming them down because YOU needed a break. Thank you for taking time out of your lazy, weekends off, to pick up the phone and say hello...NOT (because that never happened)! Thank you for calling me when you need something, but not returning a call for weeks because you're oh so busy. Thank you for texting me and telling me that you're a bad friend because you don't even know the sex of my baby..and he'll be here in a month....at least it's a little reassuring that you know you're a sucky friend..,only a little tho...cuz I know you won't do anything about it...just saying. And finally, thank you for telling me that you got my baby shower invitation, but also making sure that you make it a point to tell me, that you have Halloween parties and this and that on that day, but you'll most likely be there..but if you do come...it won't be for long....you know what?...don't bother....go buy your whorish halloween costume, get totally annihilated, have sex with a complete stranger, find out your pregnant...and then see how it feels when I CAN'T MAKE IT TO ANYTHING OF YOURS! Ooops...sorry...I caught a bad case of shitty friend....must be something in the air!
       And to my family....
I understand that the family is divided, and that no one can mend fences and talk like adults amongst themselves...but guess what...? ....you are going to have to put your grown-ups pants on and suck it up for one afternoon...because guess what..? I'm having a baby! NOT YOU!! I am, for once in my life, celebrating something that means a lot to me! I want me WHOLE family there...I am not going to go through having four baby showers a month before I give birth, because this one and that one doesn't wanna see the other one. I don't care! You don't like someone? Suck it up! You feel awkward? Bring a friend..the buddy system works wonders. You can put all of your family bullshit aside for one day and support me and my family. I go to holidays at your houses every year...and i hate to break it to you...but half of you annoy the shit out of me, and i'd rather stay home in my jammies with My kids and my husband all day..but we're family...so every holiday...off we go to make the visiting rounds. Nonetheless, I am throwing my OWN baby shower, because when we found out we were pregnant, everyone wanted to claim dibbs on throwing the baby shower, and then, when push came to shove and it was time to make it or break it...this one had house construction to do, and this one didn't want to see half the family so they wanted to plan their own thing hours away, and this one didn't want everyone having their phone number on the invitation......H.O.L.Y. SHIT! You know what?? For-get. It. We need favors from NO ONE! 
       So the bottom line is, the baby shower invitations are made, sent out, and there is a way to let us know whether or not you are coming....If you cannot make it to my shower because you are working, have a prior family engagement, or are sick with some sort of freak flu, then fine, shit happens and I understand. However, if you cannot make it to our shower because you have a Halloween party at some club or bar that you need to spend hours getting trampy for, or you have some issue with someone in the family and you don't want to see them, or you have any other miniscule, unimportant excuse....then DO NOT bother showing up for the birth of my son, texting or calling my phone with an..'I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to you...' It's not about the presents, it's not about the money, it's not about any of that. It's a about seeing my family together, having fun, supporting us, and celebrating what is going to be a new life. I wouldn't care if you drew me a card on a white piece of paper and folded it...I just want my family to be there. I'm sorry if this offends some of you, and I'm sorry if you think it's rude...but you should all be well aware of the fact that in my 25 years, I have never been one to sugar coat things, so one last time...if you are going to give me some lame ass excuse as to why you cannot come and support the celebration of a baby...then do not come to the hospital. Do not call. Do not text. Do not stop by. And do NOT consider yourself my friend...and if we're related...consider that the ONLY reason that you ever need anything to do with me. Thanks :)